


it was rare, i was there, i remember it all too well

by youknowmyname



Category: The Pacific (TV)
Genre: 15k words of slow burn, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Broken Engagement, Christmas, Eventual Fluff, Everyone Is Gay, Everyone Needs A Hug, Fix-It, Getting Back Together, Gift Exchange, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, It's there don't worry, Loneliness, M/M, Minor Original Character(s), Miscommunication, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, R.V Burgin is such a good bro, Road Trips, Song fic-ish, also please, read the tags, yeah I love these two but they just have suffer before they can be happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:53:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28122672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youknowmyname/pseuds/youknowmyname
Summary: Eugene and Merriell, a happily engaged couple, had plans to get married after the war and settle down. However, Snafu gets cold feet and leaves Eugene on the train without a single word. While Eugene moves on with his life, Merriell spirals out of control and has a mental breakdown. With the help of Burgin, Merriell and a reluctant Eugene agree to spend the holidays together in Florida.The only problem? Eugene and Merriell have to sit in a car for eight hours after a whole year of not talking.
Relationships: Merriell "Snafu" Shelton/Eugene Sledge
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6
Collections: Heavy Artillery Holiday Exchange 2020





	it was rare, i was there, i remember it all too well

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Stolperzunge](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stolperzunge/gifts).



> TRIGGER WARNINGS: implied suicide attempt references, PTSD, drinking/smoking, and a plethora of potty words ...if those count. 
> 
> Stolzerpunge, here is your wonderful piece! I decided to combine two of your requests into this beautiful, burning dumpsterfire. I also blame Taylor Swift's "All Too Well" for also being inspiration for this oneshot. in fact loved this wonderful beautiful burning, dumpster fire so much that I decided to post some fanart on my tumblr which is neverendingstories00. I hope you can enjoy a fic and some fanart! This was such a joy to write. It's one of the longest fic's I've written ever, especially for a one shot. This really gave me something to do and helped me get out of my writing depression, so thanks! I have always loved talking to you and I would love to become mutuals. I hope you have a great holiday and enjoy this sweet gift. happy holidays!! ⛄️❄️
> 
> Also to anyone reading, I have five weeks of school off so you know I'm gonna poop out TONS of writing (which is bold for me to say but hey it's snowing outside and I've drunken three cold brews today and my life is crumbling along with the world) 
> 
> Anyways enjoy two idiots and 15k of holiday angst with a happy ending!
> 
> -Carrie

The devil worked hard, but Romus Valton Burgin worked harder. 

Merriell had called Burgie at three in the morning. He had been greeted with a drunken Snafu with a grating voice. His honeyed words were strangled with a tint of taut. The background noise was the creaking of grasshoppers and the shatter of glass. A year later and Merriell had finally gained the courage to call his friends. Instead of feeling relieved and happy, Burgie felt betrayed as raw anger shot through him. He had lived through hell with the Cajun and saw him cry, laugh, and all of him. Burgie was Snafu’s closest friend, comforting him in times of living hell. No calls, letters, reunions, anything. Burgie sent him thousands of voicemails, and Snafu always declined or ignored them. Trying to be mature, Burgie attempted to ignore it, marry Florence, and move into their new house in Austin. Still, Eugene was there. Hearing Eugene sob uncontrollably on the other end as Burgie simply stood there with the phone gripped in his hand, speechless as guilt overran him. Florence begged him to hang up as she scoffed at Snafu’s selfish remarks. 

As Burgie’s finger hovered over the red button, he could hear concealed sniffling. After a mindless rant about how he had been just fine and avoided every question, Snafu was crying. 

Snafu sounded pathetic and not worth the time; Burgie refused to deal with other people’s bullshit. 

But Burgie didn’t hang up. He sat with Snafu for two hours, talking him out of slitting his wrists. 

The Cajun’s once tremulous tone turned to into a strident rant and finally into incomprehensible crying. Merriell had thrown his class to the ground in anger. He had spoken nonsense for the whole call, but when the glass broke, Burgie knew. From what he could understand, Snafu felt as if he was a burden to the world. He had fucked up deeply and was paying the consequences. He could no longer handle how cruel the world was. Every soldier who came home wasn’t the same man. Snafu, however, just became even more broken. He had reached his point and wanted for all to end. The one person he had promised to marry, Eugene, the love of his life, most likely had moved onto better things. Snafu didn’t want to drag him down, too afraid of his reaction. He thought if he died, it would be better for the world. No more loneliness, gory flashbacks, and Eugene. Just a dark paradise. 

“Look at me! Fucking look at me!” Merriell lamented as he slurred on his words, stumbling on the broken glass. His hands were burning with pain as he grasped onto the gagged glass, blood dripping from the palm of his hands, “Eugene doesn’t want some insane hillbilly. I fuckin’ left him! He needs someone who can treat ‘im well. I can’t do that. I just can’t.”

Burgie paced around his backyard on the verge of jumping in his jeep and driving down to Bayou Chene. His only priority was making sure Snafu stayed alive. He knew he shouldn’t have felt bad, but he did beyond horrible. “Don’t say that. Eugene wouldn’t want you dead. There’s always sec-”

“No, fuck you! There ain’t it!” Snafu hissed back as another pained moan escaped his mouth, “I fucked up. I left him! Gene was sleeping by the window. God, he looked like an angel. It was the first time I saw him so damn calm. I tried, I did. I couldn’t do this to him. Chain him to me. He would regret bein’ with me..what a damn fool I was! I didn’t know what I was thinkin. He called and wrote, and I brushed it off. Eugene’s always in my damn dreams. That’s all he is. A dream. It’s too la-.” 

“No. Don’t say that; listen to me…” Burgie bit his lip and hesitated, but he left out a sigh. Snafu knew he had to explain this to Eugene. Two weeks after the train incident, Eugene had called Burgie in a panic. Eugene and Snafu, an unlikely pair, had grown from enemies to friends and, strangely enough, lovers. In those humid nights with the air full of death, the two men had each other's back. Snafu had joined the Marines, and Burgie believed he had no humanity. The man was insane, and anyone with a brain could see that. Not only was he insane, but he was mean. He refused to grow attached and repressed all of his emotions. Until Eugene had stumbled into his tent. 

Burgie saw it. Snafu’s ears perked up like a curious cat, his cheeks burning a light pink. He stopped picking at his scabs to stare at the redhead. Of course, instead of being a normal person, Snafu took out his annoyance on Eugene. Eugene, like anyone, scoffed and turned away. Burgie didn’t comment on it, but with every day, it became more noticeable that Snafu had a schoolgirl crush and would kill anyone that would know. 

Snafu hid the fact that he wasn’t afraid of death. His life had been full of never-ending pain. If he died in battle, then he died a hero. The shell had gone off a foot away from him. He didn’t remember much of it well. As he rolled onto the dirt, his life flashed between his eyes. His father hitting him with a belt, his mother throwing a pack of cigarettes at him, his first time at prom with Annamae, and it was all over. Snafu stared at the gray and cloudy sky as his eyes widened, accepting death. 

“Fucking finally,” He chuckled as his body felt numb, “Took you long enough.” 

His hearing had been a blur, with everything sounding distorted. As his eyes began to darken, a figure ran up and sid right by him. A tight squeeze of the arm yanked him up as Snafu snapped back into reality. It was Eugene, yelling at him to move. Soldiers ran past them. Snafu was still in a state of shock as Eugene dragged him, bullets ablaze and men falling down. Snafu didn’t speak for the rest of the day. Once the storm had calmed, he sat by a tree as he slid down, a cigarette hanging loosely from his plump lips. Was he dead? 

It turned out that Snafu was still alive. Yet, he had a reason to live now. It was Eugene. 

It was unexpected, even downright unprofessional. Burgie didn’t know what Eugene was even thinking. War was so evil, like a monster that would kill men in the most brutal ways. The men Burgie had fought beside, he considered them his family. Ack Ack’s death had been a breaking point. Everybody became numb that night. There was pure silence in the air, silent mourning. The dark sky was full of silent coughs that night. Everybody wanted to be home, but they couldn’t. They just had to keep moving forward in this constant hell. 

Not only was there death, but a rebirth—a rebirth of a silent and unexpected affair. 

Eugene wouldn’t admit it; he was reserved and would always look away if someone said his name. Burgie would walk beside Eugene, and he would be quieter than ever. Burgie could tell and simply let it be; he didn’t want to embarrass the auburn-haired man. The rumors flew around as it distracted from the shells and deaths occurring around them every second. Maybe it was a hookup and nothing more. Just a quick fuck to forget. 

But to Snafu, it was far from that. 

Snafu was insensitive at best. His humor came in at the worst times. Eugene would look at him and scoff like anybody would. However, with Eugene, it was different. Burgie shrugged it off but began to figure it out slowly. If he asked Snafu about it, he was afraid he would get murdered. Snafu, in his own weird way, was flirting with Eugene. Snafu reminded him of a lost dog that Eugene had accidentally fed too much, and he kept coming back for more. Reluctantly, Eugene kept giving him more of the attention he desired. Both of their cheeks would grow as they called each other names. Burgie knew he should have said something, but he didn’t. It was entertainment for him, something that he would pass on. But it never did. 

Instead of being respectful, Snafu bragged about Eugene. He showed him off like a trophy. Most of the company's men would whisper harsh things as they tilted their heads in the confusion. How in the hell did it even happen? Eugene refused to touch the subject while Snafu was an open book. It had to be a joke, but it wasn’t. Snafu was in love with Eugene; he even considered them lovers after a one night stand. A hearted argument turning into a fiery makeout. It wasn’t one makeout; multiple followed after. The men in the company would act like middle schoolers about Snafu’s “new toy.” It seemed like a joke, Snafu just wanting to be mean. Burgie knew this man better than anyone else, and Snafu wasn’t joking. He was unofficially dating Eugene. 

After Hillbilly’s death, Eugene and Snafu were inseparable. Burgie would tag along. The Cajun would stare right at Eugene, lips agape and shoulders soften. Eugene would turn off and speak in his southern drawl, causing Snafu to let out a “huh?”. Their relationship, on the outside, consisted of Snafu endlessly teasing Eugene as the auburn-haired boy would (playfully) slap him and cover his hand with his mouth, concealing the blush. Burgie joined in as well, telling Snafu to stop teasing him. They never showed any affection in public. However, in their tent, Snafu was all over Eugene. Like a lost dog, and it’s the owner. Eugene never shrugged him off and held him close. The auburn-haired boy would run his slender fingers through the Cajun’s soft curls as he talked about bizarre stories from Bayou Chene. Burgie had no idea what Eugene saw in Snafu; they were polar opposites. Burgie felt his humanity still cling to seeing them be so affectionate. War was a dark room with no escape. It was like walking on eggshells with friends, family, falling. Darkness cannot cancel out darkness; only light could. Eugene and Snafu’s friendship or unofficial relationship, whatever it was, was the company’s light. The one good thing that came from The Pacific. 

In the ending months, they went from being unofficial boyfriends to unofficial fiances. Merriell had proposed with two rings made out of scrap metal. Eugene nearly sobbed and took the ring. They talked about life after the war, a lovely house in the south, tiny snafu’s running around. Snafu always reassured Eugene that they would have another Deacon. It seemed out of character, but the war made everyone made. Burgie was the first person Snafu told, and he accepted being the first man. From that day on, Snafu proudly announced that Eugene was officially Mr.Shelton. They weren’t even married yet, but they acted like a married couple. On the train back, the engaged couple would always run to the back to have their “fun.” Snafu would never shut up about how Eugene was the most beautiful person to him with a hand on his thigh. Anyone who had a problem with their marriage would have a black eye. Burgie couldn’t wait to see the life they would have after the war. 

But Snafu froze. He couldn’t do it. He left Eugene that night, no words or no number. Nothing. 

Instead of being a happy couple, Merriell and Eugene were broken puzzle pieces spread out on the map. Burgie tried to mend the relationship, but Merriell blocked him out and left him with a heartbroken Eugene. He should have ignored Merriell’s drunken call, but he didn’t. Instead, he sat there and saved Merriell from killing himself. 

The next day, Burgie got on the next flight to Lousiansa to see Merriell. Driving down the muddy roads, the Bayou Chene was a depressed area. Houses were shacks with dirty dogs and naked children running around. Merriell had been residing with friends from work. The situation he was living in was horrible. Merriell had little humanity in the war, but after the war, he was a stonecold monster. Burgie had realized that Eugene was the one thing that kept him on his feet. What Merriell did was uncalled for and incredibly selfish. They had been through so much together, and his response was to leave Eugene, who was also sensitive, alone with no words. The only reason Burgie didn’t walk out was that he was afraid Merriell would end it all. As much as he didn’t want to sympathize, Burgie gave in. Merriell was still in the dark. Most men had gotten the help they needed, but Merriell couldn’t. His life was a walking hell. He had a shit job, no real friends of the family, and nothing to his name. He was in the depth of the dark, fighting for life.

He wanted to stay out of it, far away. But seeing Merriell break down like a scared child made him hesitate. Merriell was pathetic but so broken. Eugene was the light in his darkness, and he had shut him out. Now, Merriell was paying the harsh consequences. Eugene, like Merriell, was heartbroken. Having heard both stories and both men sob, Burgie put his foot down. Something had to be done. 

Eugene heard Merriell’s voice, and it was a chain reaction. They hadn’t spoken since the night of the train, which was well over a year ago. Instead of being met with a Eugene being relieved, there was a blood of anger. Eugene screamed over the phone at Merriell as he sat there, lips agape struggling to find a response. Months of hurting later, and Merriell decided that he finally wanted to be back in Eugene’s life. Eugene, on the other hand, was having none of it. Merriell couldn’t even fit in a word as Eugene screamed his feelings away. Burgie had to intervene to talk to both men. Eugene calmed down and heard Merriell’s side. He wasn’t the best with emotions and tried to apologize, but he couldn’t find the right words. He wanted to fix their relationship, but it wasn’t going to be easy. It was out of character to see the infamous force known as Merriell beg for a second chance. Eugene knew he should move on with his life. He was in his second year of university and top of his classes. His broken engagement should be a fling of the past, but like Merriell, it haunted him whenever he shut his eyes. Regardless, Eugene still wore the ring that Merriell had given to him. He wanted to let go, but he simply couldn’t. Snafu was his first love and first heartbreak.

So Eugene agreed to see Merriell once again. He was too busy to come up to Lousiana since he had classes up until December. Eugene was just as alone as Merriell was. His parents were traveling to the Caribean, Sid was married with a baby on the way, and there Eugene was in his quiet desperation. He hadn’t left Mobile in months and hated the freezing ice. It wasn’t ideal, but his parents had a beach house down in Florida. He planned on going to spend the holidays there all by himself. But Snafu had decided to have a mental breakdown, and Eugene felt an array of emotions and invited him to spend the holidays with him in Flordia. 

They exchanged numbers to follow up with planning. Burgie considered his job done and left back to Texas. Merriell pretended to act like he hadn’t had a mental breakdown or that he wasn’t excited to see his finance. But behind closed doors, he was beyond excited to see the one thing that was keeping him alive. 

It was eleven o’clock on December twenty third, the night before Merriell would drive down to pick up Eugene in Mobile. From where Eugene was, Vero Beach was an eight-hour drive. It was driving on the southern coast, with the sea saltwater and chill of the December air. The Cajun laid on his mattress, a thin blanket covering his legs. He had been sulking through social media, looking at his fiance’s posts. There were posts of him with his marine biology class, another with him and Sidney on a biking trip in Colorado, and thousands of posts made in middle school. He let out a small sigh, knowing how creepy he was being. It wasn’t like anyone was around to scold him. It seemed like Eugene was doing just fine without him. Maybe Eugene didn’t need him to survive. But with Merriell, it was different. The reason he was alive was for Eugene. 

Merriell rolled over and switched applications to messages. He clicked on Eugene’s contacts as his fingers hovered over the keyboard. They hadn’t spoken much since the plan, which was in late September. Merriell sent him a text wishing him a happy thanksgiving, responded with a thumbs-up emoji. He cringed at it. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to bother Eugene. 

But Merriell couldn’t contain himself. He was willing to play dumb once again, just like the good old days of the war. 

“hey cher. ur address is 14 peach lane. right?” 

Merriell threw his one over and turned, anxiously waiting for a response. 

Once his phone binged, he immediately turned over to open the text like an excited child on Christmas. 

“yeah. it’s the white house with a tree.” 

Just as Merriell was thinking of a response, another bing distracted him. 

“what time ru coming tmrw?” 

“I’m leaving at 7 in the mornin. If no traffic, 9 in the afternoon. With traffic, I’m guessing 10.” 

“K”

Merriell bit his lip, noticing Eugene’s fast yet short response. What did it mean? Why not “okay”? It was making his heartbeat out of his chest. He depended on Eugene’s validation, even if it was one stupid word. Merriell knew that he shouldn’t have added fuel to the fire, but it was the only way he knew how to react. 

“Excited to see u tmrw ;)”

Deciding to relieve his nerves, Merriell threw his phone to his side and grabbed a pack of cigarettes. He smoked about three boxes a day, sometimes ten if it was terrible. He hunched over on the side of the bed as he scrambled to find his lighter. The only thing in his room was a vintage seashell lamp with a ripped shade. His fingers shook as he brought the cigar to his lips and lit it, seeing the tip ignite as it crumbled. Drawing the cigar from his lip, he twisted it in his fingers, but still no bing. What was Eugene doing? Maybe he was too straightforward. The fact that Eugene was willing to see him was baffling. After all the pain he had put Eugene through, Merriell didn’t deserve him, no matter how much he apologized. 

Seven minutes later, Merriell’s phone buzzed. Raising his eyebrows, Merriell nearly dropped everything. The cigarette that he smoked every day didn’t matter to him at the moment. Pushing the stub onto a makeshift tray, he grabbed the phone and looked at the new message. 

“guess so” 

Smiling childish, Merriell fell back onto his pillow as he held the phone close to his chest. It seemed like nothing, but it meant something to Merriell. Whatever it took, he would fix this relationship. It wasn’t going to be the easiest, but he wanted to reconnect with Eugene. Have a little white picket fence house, a deacon jr, maybe little snafu’s running over the place. He never took off the wedding band once, or ever cheated on Eugene, no matter how tempting. In his mind, Eugene was still his fiance. He was his, and his only. 

Merriell sat back up to respond. The small comment had boosted his ego, causing him to smirk as he typed a spicy text back. He clicked send before throwing the phone down to take a shower. 

“I love you so much ma amour”

After taking a shower, Merriell walked back into his bedroom with a toothbrush hanging from his lip. Bending down to pick up his phone, he opened it to see if Eugene responded. 

“Read at 11:32pm” 

Merriell felt his heart sink into his chest as he threw the phone to the ground. He just wanted to be loved by Eugene again. 

“So you wouldn’t believe what Mary bakes...scallops! What god damn woman in her mind does that? She’s just like my mother.” Sid ranted on the couch. Brooklyn Nine-Nine played in the background as Eugene stared at his phone, blanking out Sid’s insane rants. Merriell had texted him out of the blue. He should have expected it since it was the night before they would see each other. Eugene was freaking out. There were so many possibilities. What was going to happen? Would he hate it? Would he fall back in love with Merriell, even if he didn’t deserve it? He was conflicted with guilt as he couldn’t even think of a proper response without his cheeks growing. 

Eugene hadn’t heard Merriell say those words in love a year. Those were the last words Snafu told to him on that fateful night. Eugene laid on Merriell’s lap, watching the dark sky with farm buildings and stars twinkling in the sky. Merriell finessed his fiery hair, his words slurring into french with a cigarette hanging from his lips. Before the war, Eugene hated all of it. But with Merriell, it only made him squirm in his pants. Merriell, a chaotic man, relaxed Eugene. He became so comfortable that his shoulders softened as his eye’s shut. Merriell, in his french rant, said those fateful words of “I love you mon armour”. The next time Eugene woke up, he was alone, fat tears streaming down his cheeks. 

“Greaser!” Sid bent his head back to look at the texts. He raised his eyebrows and let out a little whistle. 

Eugene jumped before he turned his phone over. Sid scooted over, not even speaking a word as he raised his hand. Sid knew about the whole entire ordeal. As much as he despised Merriell, there was no way he could stop him and Eugene. As long as Eugene didn’t come home crying, he was genuinely content for him, mostly all they went through in The Pacific. 

“Don’t even.” Eugene huffed as Sid snorted, picking up the remote to resume the episode. Sid knew better. The last thing he wanted to see was Eugene having another mental breakdown. 

Eugene curled up on the corner as his palm rested on his cheek. He was imagining what the meeting with his fiance was going to be like. There were thousands of possibilities. He sighed as he rolled his head back, squinting his eyes. 

Was Eugene making another mistake seeing the man that ruined his life? 

\-----

“You sure you wanna do this?” Edward, Eugene’s older brother, tilted his head to look onto the drive. Merriell leaned back on his eighties chevy, a pair of black wayfarers, and a cigarette. Eugene opened the fridge to grab a water, peaking to see him. He was actually here. The redhead felt his heart skip a beat, his hand gripping onto the water bottle as drips slipped down his clutched fist. 

“He’s here; what do I say to him?” Eugene responded as he walked by him. Edward turned around and still followed after him. He didn’t pay much attention to his brother. Since they both came home, their relationship became even more strained. It was only them and Edward’s fiance in the house. Eugene didn’t even tell him that he was running off with the infamous force known as Merriell. He had heard of the mysterious man here and there. Edward had never talked to him but sensed trouble in the air. 

“He doesn’t pick up your calls for a whole year, practically ignores that you exist, and here he is? The day before Christmas eve?” He questioned as his younger brother rolled his eyes. He already felt flustered about the situation and didn’t want his feelings to become overwhelmed with other people’s opinions. 

Eugene shrugged his shoulders, “Didn’t you not talk to Alice for four whole years when you were in Europe.” 

“That was different, gene. When I came home, she was here waitin’ at the door. The next day I proposed and look at where we are.” He said, pointing to the couch where Alice laid, mindlessly scrolling through her phone. “No offense, but that guy out there...Sid’s told me ‘bout him. He seems like he’s-”

“Oh, brother, give me a break.” Eugene huffed as he walked to the door. “ ‘s not like you cared about my life until now.” Merriell still waited by the car, tapping his foot as he placed another cigarette in his mouth. He looked the same as he did when he left him on the train from a distance. A shaky breath escaped his lips; could he do it? Could Eugene get hurt all again? Maybe his brother had a point for once. The whole world was screaming at him to stop, but Eugene just wanted to go, blaming his morbid curiosity. Slipping on a pair of sneakers and slinging a backpack on his shoulders, Eugene turned to look up at his brother. “I’m going. Have a nice Christmas.” 

The blonde looked down as a chuckle escaped his lips, shaking his head in disbelief. It seemed like Eugene wanted to get hurt all over again. “Ain’t a damn lick of sense in you.” He slowly began to step back before returning to the couch with Alice. Alice looked up and smiled at him as he nuzzled into his shoulder, a burly arm holding her close. 

Eugene wanted to say something back but couldn’t. He froze in place, watching Edward and Alice being a happy and normal couple, oh how he envied that. An image flashed in his eyes of Merriell holding him in his arms in a foxhole, the smell of cigarette smoke and oak. No, he couldn’t. It was the past. It was immature to be jealous. Eugene wished nothing but the best for Edward and Alice. Opening the door, he closed it behind him and walked towards Merriell. 

Merriell peaked his head and took off his sunglasses, raising his eyebrows. The cigarette in his mouth fell out, looking like he had just seen a ghost. Eugene was right in front of him, walking in his direction. Nothing had changed with his hair like fire and freckles glowing in the cold sun. Fixing his position, Merriell grabbed his jacket and pulled it down. He didn’t know what happened, but his feet began to move as he walked in the direction of Merriell. With every set, his pace got faster, and so did his heart. 

Eugene considered stepping back, but his feet forced him forward. Merriell’s big buy eyes burned deep into his soul. Whenever Eugene closed his eyes at night, those milky orbs would flash in the impending darkness. His fingers grasped onto the handle on his backpack, he sighed. 

“Hey there,” Eugene remarked, his voice low as his cheeks began to heat up. He cursed mentally as the butterflies from the past started to fly around in his stomach. Merriell hadn’t even spoken a damn word, and Eugene was evolving into a mess. “Sorry, I was just s-”

Before he could even finish his sentence, a pair of arms pulled Eugene close. He dropped his water to the cobblestone in a state of shock. His once rosy tint turned a deep shade of Fuschia. Merriell’s hands rested on his lower waist, his nose buried into Eugene’s flannel. Deceptive to the heaviness in his stomach, it fluttered at the feeling of his body being pressed against Merriell’s for the first time in forever. His jacket smelt of smoke, oak, and pumpkin spice. Eugene, as defiant as he was, sunk into the warmth of his side as his hands snaked around his nape. Eugene’s touch made the chill of the winter air warmer, Snafu’s future within its wall seeming a little less bleak. It was life-real life. 

Merriell pulled away from the hug as his hands lingered on Eugene’s shoulders, slowly trailing down his arms. His pupils were enlarged, and full lips parted, a small sparkle in his eyes. Eugene looked the same, except his whole face was tomato red. 

“Hey ‘dere,” Merriell greeted as he seemed speechless. A year later and there Eugene was, a blushing mess. He was still as heavenly as ever. Eugene didn’t reject his hug at all. He wished to has his hands travel up his back once more. Maybe one day, Eugene would learn to love him again. “ ‘s okay. It’s been a while, ain’t it?” 

Eugene raised his eyebrows as he stepped back, nodding. He shook the blush off and tried to act like a normal person instead of a gushy teenager. “Yeah, it has.” There was a silence between the two. The train still lingered fresh in the air. Merriell looked down as he nuzzled into his jacket, looking down like shame. He didn’t want to deal with all these emotions right now; those were for later. Eugene coughed and decided to change the subject. “How are you?” 

Merriell looked up and flashed a smile. It was cocky or flirtatious, but affectionate and, in Eugene’s words, dashing. “Better, now ‘dat your ‘ere.” 

It differed from the time he heard him over the phone, voice low as he begged to see him once more. This was a side of Merriell he hadn’t seen in what felt like years. Eugene hadn’t seen Merriell smile like this in a year. 

Just like Edward had done, the auburn-haired man shook his head as he shuffled his white trainers. After everything they had been through, here the two men stood, reconnected once again. He twitched the corner of his mouth before walking to Merriell’s truck. Merriell grabbed his backpack and opened the backdoor, throwing it into the back. He felt his shoulder brush past him, turning around to follow Merriell’s every move. 

“How was the drive from Bayou Chene?” Eugene asked as his fingers tapped against the front of the navy truck. “How is it down there?”

“Some traffic, not much ‘doe. It ain’t ‘dat bad.” Merriell responded as his milky orbs connected with Eugene’s hazel ones, a tint of green. “Cold. Mucky. I don’t like it down ‘dere in ‘da winter. I’m freezin’ ‘ma balls off here, didn’t know it gets cold down ‘ere.” 

“It ain’t bad.” He said as he slid his hands into the pockets of his thick flannel. Merriell did have a point; it was cold. Snow was bound to come soon. “I guess Florida is nice for this time of year.” 

Merriell raised an eyebrow, a smile curving on his lips. A private beach house that overlooked the ocean, weather that was warm but not too warm, and all alone with the love of his life. It sounded like a dream, minus the baggage. 

“Sure does.” Merriell looked at the sky as he saw the gloom of the clouds over. The snow was in the air, and he didn’t want to be near it. He wanted to be with Eugene and in a warm place with rich old people. Merriell titled his head down and could see a man that looked like Eugene, his brother, staring at him. His stare was cold as he crossed his arms. Merriell shifted in place, uncomfortable with his presence. It was best if he and Eugene busted out of there to miss the incoming traffic. 

“If we get on the road now, we’ll be down ‘dere by nighttime. It’s Christmas eve, I’m sure all ‘dem damn families are fightin’ with ‘dere inlaws.” Merriell explained with a snort at his own comment. Eugene chuckled back. It was the same Merriell, for the most part. However, there was something Eugene couldn't put his finger on. He seemed more vulnerable and emotional around him, hiding behind a tough-guy facade. He opened the door to the passenger’s side, tilting his head for Eugene to get into the car. “So what in ‘da hell are we waitin’ for, Sledgehammer?” 

Sledgehammer. He hadn't been called that in years. It felt alien to Eugene to be called that, which was the opposite of last year. Murmuring a quiet thank you, Eugene nodded his head and hopped into the driver’s seat. “Absolutely nothin, Snafu.” 

Closing the car door, Merriell let out a shaky sigh. His cheeks were growing as he thought about Eugene. He was excited and overjoyed to see him once again. After nights of dreaming, he was by his side, and there he finally was. It all seemed calm, like they were in the eye of a storm, but Merriell even knew deep down that they would hit a storm. A major storm full of yelling, crying, and emotions flooding. Merriell didn’t know how to handle himself with all the advice Burgie giving him fading from his mind. 

He couldn’t be a pessimist. He was so grateful to see Eugene again and spend his holidays with one of the only people he had ever loved. Sliding into the seat, Merriell turned the key, and the car jumpstarted. He looked over at Eugene, who subtly smiled and nodded at him. Merriell turned backward as he slung his hand onto the back of Eugene’s seat to back out. Merriell licked his lips with a burning feeling stinging his cheeks as he inhaled Eugene’s aroma-sweet rosemary with a tint of lavender. 

It was going to be a long eight hours. 

\-------

The couple reached Pensacola in the first hour. The highway had traffic jams here and there, but besides that, Merriell and Eugene were on a smooth course. The route was long, crossing over a beautiful blue ocean with a bright sky. The air had a chill but was a drastic change from Mobile’s snowy land. The grainy radio played Mele Kalikimaka as Merriell’s rosary bead swung on the mirror. Merriell slides back in his seat, a single hand on the wheel as he admired the beauty in front of him and beside him. Eugene was stiffer in the beginning but relaxed his shoulders with slightly bent legs. He looked onto the clear highway, his white shirt ridden up as he adjusted, revealing a lick of his freckled stomach. They hadn’t spoken much in the hour. This was the part where Merriell froze. He felt like he was walking on thin ice. One wrong word and everything could go wrong. 

“You’ve ever been to Florida, gene?” Merriell broke the silence, keeping his eyes on the road. His jagged fingernails dug into the wheel. 

Eugene nodded in response, looking forward to avoiding awkward eye contact. “Yeah. Me and my family use to come down for the summers. I haven't since I was a senior in high school. You?” 

Merriell shook his head, “Nope. Louisiana’s like Florida, just more white trash.” 

Eugene chortled as he ran a hand over his chin, a light stubble. He then realized that Merriell came from one of the most poverty-ridden places in Louisiana and felt guilty. Eugene had a comfortable lifestyle and never had to worry about money or what his next meal would be. But with Merriell, his situation was different. Burgie had alluded to him that where Merriell was, it wasn’t ideal. “Wait, sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.” 

“Quit apologzin’. It’s true,” The Cajun remarked. “I live inna’ swamp, I mean...look at you. Look at me.”

Merriell wore a baggy pair of jeans, a neon Carhartt beanie, a navy v neck that looked like it hadn’t been washed properly, and a horribly cheap leather jacket. His thick Cajun drawl, mannerisms, and behavior were an unfortunate stereotype. Eugene sat beside him wearing expensive cologne, pristine white sneakers, tan corduroy pants, a flannel, and a white turtleneck. It was like a preppy private schoolboy and a rugged bad boy in a relationship. 

That was one of the reasons Merriell couldn’t do it. What if Eugene’s parents hated him because he was poor? He dropped out of elementary school and worked odd jobs. He had no future planned. How would he provide for the two of them, and with a child or dog? 

“Don’t say that.” Eugene shook his head, crossing his arms. “You're not white trash.”

“Maybe to you, but to Sid? Your family? People in general.” Merriell chuckled sarcastically. Eugene knew he, he knew it, everyone knew it. “They work I work in ‘da gardens. Don’t lie to yourself. I’m fine with it. Fuck ‘dem people. I ain’t wastin’ time on what ‘dem white folks think about me. It dun’ matta.” 

In reality, the words hurt Merriell. He was more insecure after he came home from the war. Who would want to deal with a walking hot mess who was addicted to nicotine? There was nothing special about him. He hated feeling those words sting, so all he did was yell back. Yelling meant his words were more significant, blocking out the comments. 

“It does matter. And for Sid, he doesn’t hate you. He just doesn’t understand you sometimes.” Eugene sighed in frustration. “People are just arrogant. But I don’t think that at all.” 

“Then what am I to you?” Snafu questioned in his thick drawl. “What do you see me as?” 

Eugene turned over to look at Merriell as his soft curls blew through the wind. The memories began to flash between his eyes. What would he say without making the conversation even more awkward than it already was? Eugene thought of him as his ex-fiance, but those words would break Merriell. As much as Merriell tried to hide it, Eugene could see his insecurities and deep fears right through him. Being around Eugene made Merriell melt, and it was the same way everywhere. Eugene looked forward at the desolate highway, biting his lip as he thought of a response. 

“A diamond in the rough. Someone who is overlooked. On the outside, you’re...cold. Not cold, but cocky. Your god damn stubborn and don’t listen to the rules.” Eugene explained as Merriell snorted. So far, he was intent on listening. “But deep down, you’re..smart. Smart in your own way. People see you as a Snafu, and I don’t. I don’t know how to explain it. You're a good man Merriell, people are just blind.” 

That was a lie. Merriell wasn’t a good man. He was a war criminal. Eugene knew it deep down, and so did Merriell. Before the war, Merriell didn’t have much sanity yet. After the war, he questioned if he was even real. Within the first few months, Merriell considered himself a killing machine, which was the last thing he wanted to see Eugene become. Eugene could get the help he needed, but Merriell knew he was beyond that. 

“Eugene, you know it. I know it. Don’t lie.” Merriell looked at him with his wayfarer's sliding down his nose. Eugene deserved someone sane and could provide for him. Love was an emotion that Merriell didn’t understand. Love to him was a hookup, but laying eyes on Eugene, it was like a car had hit him. He was speechless and acted like a tall child in front of Eugene. He was lucky that Eugene had even saved him that fateful day. 

Eugene looked down to the side and bit his lip, sighing. He didn’t know how to respond without making the conversation even more awkward. Merriell wasn’t going to budge. At some point, the train would come up. It could come up in the next hour, on Christmas morning, or maybe they wouldn’t get the chance to get to it if Merriell threw him out of the car. But one thing that bothered Eugene was that Merriell didn’t answer his other question; what Eugene meant to Eugene. 

Eugene shifted in his seat to turn his body over to Merriell. “Then….what am I to you?

Merriell turned his head to look at Eugene but then focused on the road. They had gotten off the long highway and were now driving down a forested area, the wind calming. It was quiet for a moment. Merriell focused on driving, thought about his answer. Millions of ideas were going through his head. Eugene was everything to him. His life, his love, his joy, his and his only. The first person Merriell ever loved. He was proud of the auburn-haired man, known for bragging about how Eugene was his fiance. Or was. 

Merriell said it with a small smile, a blush pinching his cheeks. “The best damn thing that ever happened to me.”

\-------

“The best damn thing that ever happened to me.”

Those words rang in Eugene’s head for the next three hours. By the time they reached Tallahasse, only a few words had been exchanged. Eugene barely spoke, mindlessly looking out the window at the passing traffic and palm trees. He kept a calm composure on the outside, but his heart was a beating mess on the inside. He tried to distract himself, but he couldn’t. Those words were englued in his mind. Merriell must have meant it nicely or with a tint of venom. Eugene knew that Merriell wasn’t acting like Snafu, but himself. He looked down, caught off guard by the question, and thought of a logical response, not bullshit. His hand was relaxed on the wheel with the damn ring on his finger; the metal piece of crooked bar wrapped around his calloused finger. Eugene looked down at his hand, admiring the gold counterpart.

“Always the best for ‘ma boy.” Merriell cooed as he held Eugene’s hand, sliding the handmade ring on with ease. He made sure to stay quiet and not awaken a peaceful Burgie. Eugene, for the first time in a few weeks, was feeling optimistic. Motivated. Tears pinched his eyes, but he held in it. 

“Snaf, I…” Eugene choked as he grabbed Snaf’s hand, holding it close. He admired the clash of silver and gold in the moonlight. “This is perfect…” He turned over to look at his unofficial fiance. “What are we gonna say about this to the men?” 

Snafu chuckled and slung an arm around him, planting a ruff kiss into Eugene’s auburn hair. “That your ‘ma damn fiance!” He exclaimed in a loud whisper, a big smile on his face. “Nothin’ ‘dey can ‘dew ‘bout it. If ‘dey do, I’ll fuck ‘em up. ‘Dere jus’ jealous ‘dat i got ‘da prettiest prize.” 

Eugene silenced his chuckle as he put a hand on his chest, causing Snafu’s body to relax. He leaned into the Cajun’s figure, legs entangling as they looked into the sky. On the other side of the forest was The Japanese. Distant shots could be heard as a flare flew into the sky, which was common in war. 

The war. 

Seeing the flare explode in the sky, Eugene’s hand on Merriell’s chest scrunched up. Thoughts of worry began to flood in his mind. In one minute, anything could change. 

“Merriell…” Eugene mumbled as he looked into the sky. Snafu knew it was serious if he was called by his first name. He turned his head down, a small “huh” coming from his mouth.

“What about the war? There’s no end in sight. We’ve been fightin’ the same battle for months. We jus’ lost Ack Ack and Hillbilly...what if that happens on one of us?” He explained, “I...love you, but I just...don’t know.”

Snafu’s eyes widened at the topic. He knew that it wasn’t the best idea to propose, but he couldn’t contain himself. He had loved Eugene since the day they had to meet. In fact, Snafu loved him so much that he wanted to marry him. Nobody was going to stop him from doing so, not a man, a damn war, absolute nothing. 

Snafu looked down and then looked over at Eugene as his fingers played with his finance’s dog tags. “Nothin’ is gonna ‘appen ‘ta us. I won’t let it. I’m not lettin’ ‘dis war stop me from marryin’ ‘da ‘luv of ‘ma life.” 

“I don’t care when we have ‘da wedding if it’s tomorrow, three months, a year. We’re getting out of this, married.” Snafu assured his finger gliding over Eugene’s lower chapped lip. “Jus’ promise me one thing. After ‘dis is all over, you’ll marry me? Be ‘ma husband. Promise?” 

Eugene was touched by his words as he made eye contact with his husband. His eyes pleaded with him, their bodies close and hot. He brought a gentle hand to Snafu’s dirty cheek, with Snafu nuzzling into it. 

“Promise.” Eugene flashed a subtle smile, a tear rolling down his cheek. He wasn’t crying because he was sad but happy. The fear of death lingered around him, but Eugene was devout to getting married to Snafu as long as he was alive. Snafu was surprisingly the one thing keeping him alive. Snafu cupped his face and smashed his lips against his; Eugene using his hands to stabilize the heated kiss as if Snafu was trying to destroy Eugene’s month. 

A big or small wedding, he knew at that moment that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Snafu. 

That hadn’t been the case. 

Eugene was sitting inside Merriell’s car, trying to fix a broken relationship. How the hell was it going to end? 

Eugene knew Merriell and could see his nerves act up. He was good at hiding his emotions from the naked eye, but it was different around Eugene. Unlike Eugene, Merriell didn’t shut up. He hummed to the songs on the radio and made a few wisecracks at the horrible drivers. Every time he spoke, his big eyes would turn to Eugene’s. Eugene caught onto this, and Merriell would see, turning away as his cheeks would burn a light pink. He just wanted to get Eugene’s attention or even impress him in the awkward tension. 

Merriell made a snarky comment on an elderly women’s driving. The poor woman didn’t know how to pearly drive and drove in both lanes. Merriell found it so hilarious that he couldn’t stop talking about it for a solid five minutes. 

Eugene turned his body over and smirked, “You really never shut up, my god.” 

Merriell quirked an eyebrow and spoke, “What? Lady was a horrible driver. Horribly funny. Some bitch’s gotta ‘cum get ‘dere grandmere or else ‘dat’s not the only present ‘da grandkid’s ‘’ll see ‘unda ‘da tree.” 

It took a second for Eugene to comprehend the joke. When he did, he turned up his face and threw his head back. “Jesus, Mer!”

Merriell snorted at his cheesy joke, letting out an obnoxious laugh. Eugene simply shook his head as he relaxed in the seat. He was bored with sitting still and decided to look onto the map. They were close to Lake City, where the nearest rest stop was. They had been driving in swampland for the past hour. 

“Mind If I pull overa’?” Merriell chipped in, “I gotta piss. Real bad.” 

Eugene responded, “Sure. I need to stretch my legs.” 

“Merde Gene, you sound jus’ like ma grandmere.” 

Eugene looked over and rolled his eyes at Merriell’s jabs. His hubris was beginning to resurface once again. Seeing a suspicious rest stop, Merriell pulled over and parked the car by a desolate building. They were the only ones at the location. Hopping out, Snafu took off his sunglasses and kicked the door open to the stall. Eugene also got out of the car, walking around the empty parking lot. The parking lot seemed too quiet. But with Merriell and his antics, Eugene felt comforted in his safety. Needing to calm his nerves, Eugene pulled his father’s pipe. He kept a small bag of tobacco in his back pocket and shuffled it out, tipping it in. He didn’t like the feel of cigarettes on his lips. Burgie and Merriell always commented on how tedious it was, but Eugene enjoyed the feeling of it. It made him feel like his father, which was a good memory. At the moment, Eugene needed advice from his father. He was the most supportive when he told him about spending Christmas with Merriell. Instead of questioning it, he nodded his head and told him to stay safe. Safe from Merriell? Protect himself from the pain of the past?

Merriell stormed out of the bathroom, holding his pants' belt up as he walked over to a field, cursing in French. Eugene turned over as he hid the pipe, curious at his anger. “What happened?” 

“Clogged ‘ba ‘sum fuckin’ fatass redneck ‘trump supportin’ cousin’ lovin’ fuck.” He grunted as he positioned himself as a field, pulling down his pants as he prepared to pee. “His ‘shit fuckin’ decimated the bathroom. It was lika' dead body! Damn bastard..” 

Merriell ranted about the broken bathroom, which was his typical behavior. Eugene shook his head and let out a heavy sigh, muttering “fuck me” under his breath. What the hell had he gotten himself into? His fiance (or what he appeared to be) was cursing about not being able to piss at a desolate Florida rest stop on Christmas eve. Eugene tried to find humor in a depressing situation but couldn’t. All he needed was a smoke break. Blocking out Snafu’s rant, Eugene put the pipe back in his mouth as he tried to find his light. He patted his back pockets and front, trying to find it, but failed. It wasn’t in his flannel or pockets; he always carried it with him. 

“Fuckin’ hell.” Eugene sighed. He wasn’t cursing at Merriell’s rants but frustrated with not being able to find his lighter. The one thing he wanted to go right was going horribly wrong. What was he even doing? Merriell had ruined his life. Made him a mess and an embarrassment. After months of therapy, Eugene had pulled himself together and went back to school to become a marine biology teacher. Even though he looked successful on the outside, something was missing. Merriell, or someone to be around. He made considered dating since Merriell, at the time, seemingly wanted nothing to do with him. But for each guy and girl he met, none of them were as crazy, cocky, insane, and devilishly handsome as Merriell was. None of them had the flavor and the raw emotion Merriell had. He kept muttering curses on his breath as he tried to find his missing lighter. What the hell was wrong with him? 

Merriell pulled up his pants and turned around to see Eugene’s back. Sliding the belt buckle, Merriell slowly began to walk over. “You need to do ‘ya business?” 

Eugene didn’t respond, causing Merriell to roll his eyes and walk forward. 

“Listen, ‘bout ‘dat lady, I was only kiddin’. I mean, I hope she ‘dun run anybody off…” 

The closer Merriell walked, he could hear Eugene’s mutters. It was full of language as he moved his arms. It was mumbled by the pipe in his mouth. Eugene was a smoker at the beginning of the war. However, after loss and pain, he began to smoke. His father had given him his old Hawkbill pipe as a going away gift. Gunny had taught him how to use a pipe, which he couldn’t stop smoking whenever he had a moment to breathe. He could talk to himself as he lit his pipe, usually ranting about how frustrated he was at the world. 

“ ‘da road...” Merriell trailed. Eugene took off his flannel to see if he had lost in the multiple pockets. The ivory turtleneck was tight and translucent on his body, showing off the Cersei and freckles pigmentation. It looked like Eugene didn’t have a lighter and just wanted to smoke in peace. 

It was adding fuel to the fire, but Merriell hated to see him in a frustrated state. 

He walked beside Eugene, who didn’t even notice that he was beside him. Pulling a lighter for his jacket, Merriell’s fingers tenderly grabbed Eugene’s chin and pulled his face towards his, placing the lighter in the pipe. Once smoke emerged from the pipe, Merriell pulled his hands away. He couldn’t look at a Eugene for another second without becoming a blushing mess. Eugene was caught by surprise as his cheeks turned tomato red. Pulling a cigarette from behind his ear, The Cajun plopped it into his mouth and lit it like nothing significant had happened. 

Eugene stood there in disbelief. The pipe hung from his mouth as he watched Merriell light his cigarette and take it out his mouth, smoke emerging from his nostrils. Snapping out of his love strucken state, Eugene turned and smoked his pipe, looking into the distance. They stood there for what seemed like hours; stolen glances and cigarette smoke in the blue sky. 

Finishing the pipe, Eugene threw the remaining tobacco onto the ground. His cheeks still burned as he nodded his head quickly before turning back, “Thanks.” 

“Yup.” The Cajun replied. He turned his head to look over at Eugene, who was nuzzled in his flannel collar. Both men were pink and awkward. It was like they were on a first date, except not in war. Merriell opened his mouth to say something, but he couldn’t find the words. What was he supposed to say? That he loved Eugene and thought he was the most gorgeous man in the world?

Merriell bit his lip before throwing the cigarette down and stomping on it. He shoved his hands onto his pocket as he began to walk back to the truck. “I’m freezin’ ‘ma balls off, les’ go.” 

It wasn’t even cold outside; it was a cool breeze. Plopping the pipe into his pocket, Eugene ushered back to the car. There it was again, the silence that they both hated. Eugene turned the radio back on to fill the void. Merriell backed out and got back onto the highway, his hand still on Eugene’s seat. 

Merriell’s hand had grabbed, caressed, his slim face. He had felt Merriell’s touch once again and was also now a blushing mess. Eugene turned his head to look out at the green nature, running a hand over his lips and chin. Exactly where Merriell had touched him. 

\-------

  
Eugene didn’t know what sparked the conversation. But he liked it; it felt normal. They only had four hours left on the road. Eugene kept his hand on his lips, tracing his lower lip. He felt bad for making Merriell drive for most of the trip, so he decided to take over for the next four hours. Merriell was strangely quiet as he refused to look at Eugene. Eugene couldn’t focus on Merriell, but his mind was flooded with thoughts. It was like he had been falling back in love again, missing being around Merriell and the feeling of rosy cheeks and stolen kisses. 

But something had clicked. Merriell turned his whole body to him and asked him about his major in school. Eugene answered, and they held a normal conversation. It was like nothing in the past had occurred. Merriell wasn’t one for small talk and emotion. His words were shy as he kept questioning Eugene like a child. Eugene didn’t find it annoying but endearing. Merriell could be vulnerable around him one minute, the next the most annoying man he had ever met. But Merriell was his annoying man. Or was. 

Merriell’s hand slid near the gear, gently finessing against Eugene’s khaki thigh to get his water. Eugene felt his touch and squirmed in his seat at the touch. Merrriell was unpredictable; it could’ve been an accident or a courting move. 

“Sorry,” Merriell grunted. Eugene looked over and bite his lip. He was going to crash the car if Merriell kept acting this way. 

To focus his thoughts away, Eugene changed the subject. “Ok, enough about me. More about you. How is life back at home?”

Merriell ran a hand through his curls and slugged into the seat, shrugging his shoulders. He grabbed a cigarette and put it in his mouth, searching for a lighter. “Nothin’ you would care ‘bout.” 

“Course I care.” Eugene replied, “I don’t care what it is. I just wanna know.” 

“Nosy, aren’t you red?” Merriell smirked as he took a drag from the cigarette. He was trying to avoid the subject, and Eugene was having none of it. He looked over for a second and tapped his slender fingers impatiently against the wheel. 

Letting out a groan, Merriell took the cigarette from his mouth and huffed in annoyance. He knew if he didn’t say anything, it would only make the tension between them worse. The elephant in the room was bound to be brought up soon. There wasn’t any point in hiding his past. Eugene was aware of some of it, but not all. 

“I work for a lumber company in ‘da city. Didn’t hava’ job for ‘da first few months. Sommave’ ‘ma old friends from high school were still livin’ in town. I had nowhere to go, so I went with ‘em. When I was home, nothin’ had changed. I tried to act like everythin’ was normal, but it wasn’t.” Merriell explained as he twirled the cigarette in his finger. He wasn’t his usual self. When a serious topic would be brought up, he would make an insensitive joke, but not this time. The pain on his face was beginning to surface. Like Eugene, he was fighting his demons as well. 

“It got bad after ‘da first few months. I didn’t have anythin’ at all to go home to. No family, friends, no husband, nothin’. I realized ‘ma friends back home weren’t really ‘ma friends. I didn’t have anywhere else to go, so I stayed with ‘dem. You ever ‘get ‘dat feelin’ yer bein’ watched? Cuz’ i do, all ‘da damn time. Loud bangs, flashes, noises, it just...did somethin’. I couldn’t deal with it. I stopped sleepin’ and, well, started drinkin. I knew it was killin’ me, but I wanted it to, y’know?” 

Upon hearing this, Eugene tightened his grip on the wheel. A lump rose in his throat at the word husband. He wanted to mention it but didn’t want to upset Merriell. He knew Merriell was going through a rough time, but he didn’t realize it was this bad. He just thought Merriell didn’t want to be with him and simply moved on without telling him. Yet he still wore the wedding band proudly on his finger, even touched his cheek, and lit his pipe. He wanted to apologize but continued to do what he did best; support Merriell. 

Merriell took a small break to inhale his cigarette before continuing, “I was drinkin, smokin, lyin, stealin’. It ain’t good. I didn’t wanna deal with the damn war, but it kept comin’ back. I couldn’t go to bed without thinkin’ ‘bout it. Everythin’ was changin’ ‘round me but the flashes…” He froze for a second, uncomfortable with his lips agape. He shook his head and attempted to continue on, “Don’t feel bad for me ‘doe. I guess I’m tryin’ to pull ‘ma shit together. I’m gonna start seein’ a therapist. ‘Dun know if it’ll work.” 

“I still go to one. It helps to let it all out.” Eugene added in, “That’s a good thing your tryin’ to get back on your feet. I’m sorry, ‘dat happened.” 

“Why are you sorry? Nothin’, you did.” Merriell shared, “We’re different. You got lucky; I didn’t. Here you are, all smart and shit, and look at me. I’m a hillbilly from a swamp. I’ve made so many mistakes, and I wanna make things right, you know?”

There it was. 

Eugene knew what he was implying. The reason he came on this trip was to fix his relationship with Eugene. Not that he didn’t want it, but there were so many unanswered questions. After being so close, Eugene knew he wanted to spend his life with Merriell. After he left, like Merriell, he was a mess. Eugene still considered himself to be one, but life was getting back to normal with his medication and therapy. He eventually got over Merriell and moved on, or so he thought. If he moved on, why did he still wear the ring? And why did Merriell wear it as well? Both of them didn’t want to bring it up, but it had to be. 

Eugene sat there awkwardly, looking down before looking back up. In the corner of his eyes, he could see the Cajun with his big eyes glued on him. He was in the spotlight with Merriell begging for a response. 

“Why did you wanna see me again then?” Eugene backlogged, stumbling on a few words. His voice was weaker and softer than he wanted to it be. Burgie didn’t give him the whole reason Merriell wished to see him. He remembered the night he first talked to Merriell; tears, screaming, and things he wished he had never said. “All of a sudden?”

“You were ‘ma go to, I guess. I don’t know.” Merriell shrugged, resting his chin on the shoulder. He was uncertain and very uncomfortable, continually adjusting and murmuring french under his foggy breath. Merriell was trying to steer clear of the topic and for reasons that he was embarrassed off. 

Eugene shook his head. “Bullshit. It’s somethin’.”He was sick of the cat and mouse game. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to spend the holidays with Merriell. But if he was, he needed to know why after a whole year, Merriell decided to finally pull his shit together and talk to his fiance, who he left on a train without a goodbye. He couldn’t word it in such a harsh manner, so Eugene opted for the pacifist route. 

“It’s nothin’ big!” Merriell assured, but it wasn’t working. “God damn red, you're bein’ so nosy.” 

“Whatever it is, damnit, just say. I’ll pull over this car.” Eugene pestred like a mother. He wasn’t going to stop until he heard. 

Merriell pinched the bridge of his nose and threw the cigarette bud out of the moving car. “It’s embarssin’. You’re a smartie, genie. You can figure it out.” 

Eugene sighed in frustration, “For the love of God, get to the point! Stop playin’ cat and mouse.” 

“Fine, Jesus aged christ!” Merriell threw his arms up before straightening his position. “I was drunk, thinkin’ ‘bout you all day. I wanted to call you, but I didn’t have ‘ya number. I had Burgie's, and I just...called ‘im. Asked if you were there, he said no. I wasn’t makin’ any sense ‘'dat night. I almost did somethin’ stupid, but it ain’t important.” 

“It sounds important, and you’re not gonna hide it.” Eugene budded in. His cheeks and nose had a small red blush to them; it always occurred when he was angry. 

Merriell rolled his eyes and smirked, “You look cute when you’re angry, you know what?” 

“You look annoying when you lie, and I don’t like liars. Jus’ tell me.” 

The smirk slowly disappeared as Merriell looked down at his lap, profoundly thinking about his response. Eugene noticed his and tried to figure out what it was, but couldn’t. Did he crash a car? Get into a fight? Eugene couldn’t figure it out. 

“I tried to...kill ‘maself.” 

Eugene felt his heart drop. His eyes widened as he took a second to digest this. Why did Burgin not tell him this? It was out of character for Merriell to do something like that. Eugene had occasional thoughts of suicide, but that was a year ago. His family was fourante; he could get the help he needed. Merriell had no family and wasn’t fourante. He suffered and tried to hide it, and it only made it worse. When he most needed Eugene, he wasn’t there. 

Merriell tried to make a joke of it, cover his self-pity with a sardonic chuckle, but he couldn’t. His vision blurred as big tears streamed down his cheeks. An hour ago, Merriell was ranting in French about a clogged bathroom, and now he was a sobbing mess. A small whine escaped his mouth as he threw a hand over it. His other hand rested near the cupholders. His wrist was visible, showing small marks. This was the first time he ever cried in front of Eugene. He tried to conceal it, but the tears were streaming down his cheeks. Eugene probably thought he was insane. 

The shaking stopped. Merriell looked down and saw a pale, freckled hand rest on top of his. He looked up and wiped his red eyes to see Eugene. His eyes were on the road, but he turned over, looking sympathetic. He wasn’t judging or yelling at him like everyone else was. The world was full of assholes, and Eugene wasn’t one of them. That’s why Merriell was so attracted to him. War made men cruel, but not Eugene. Eugene, even if the war had forced him to grow up, was still the right person. He was redeemable, kind, caring. He squeezed his hand to reassure him, his thumb stroking Merriell’s bruised knuckles. 

Merriell wiped his eyes and, in a poor attempt, tried to pull himself together to finish the story. Eugene still kept his hand on Merriell’s. 

“Burgie talked me ‘outta it. Said Eugene wouldn’t want me to do it. ‘Das why I didn’t do it. Because of you, Gene.” He croaked with his words stumbling. “I wanted to see you again—one more time. I just wanted to see your face...feel like the world wasn’t fallin’ apart. Guess it’s workin’ now...” 

“Mer...I…” Eugene reckoned, unable to speak. Seeing Merriell in this state made him pity for him. He was initially angry at Merriell and refused to be vulnerable around him. Merriell almost ended his life, but he didn’t because of him. Merriell wanted to see him because he was madly still in love with him, even if he had screwed up. Merriell’s tried to fix it to the best of his abilities. Eugene had tried to forget, but it was all coming back to him now. “I’m here with you now. You’re ok, I’m okay. We’re gonna get you help.” 

Merriell put his other hand on top of Eugene’s, cupping it between his hands in an impulsive move. He entrapped his fingers in Eugene’s lanky ones, feeling his soft and relaxed freckled skin. Eugene stood there and allowed Merriell to tightly hold his hand. He kept his eyes on the road but turned to subtly smile. Merriell’s tears stopped streaming as he calmed down, still holding Eugene’s hand as he drove. His milky orbs burned into Eugene. 

“You’re really the only person I care about? Y’know ‘dat?” Merriell casually mumbled as he played with his finger. He drew mindless circles in the palm of his finger. Eugene ignored this as he began to sweat. Merriell, seeing this, squeezed his hand tightly. “I still love you. Do you still love me?” 

Eugene turned his eyes from the road to look at Merriell. His eyes begged him to say those three words. The grasp on his hand was tight, waiting for a response. Merriell never got over Eugene. He still wanted to get married and fix all of their problems. The only problem that lingered was that Merriell was a whole year late. 

Eugene just couldn’t say those words. 

“You left me.” Eugene lamented. He slowly pulled his hand back and placed it back on the wheel. He forced himself to look at the road and hold back his tears. It was the wrong place and at the wrong time. Eugene, deep down, knew he loved him, he felt horrible, but the commitment scared him. Even if he wore a ring bearing him to Merriell, Merriell wasn’t there for him in his darkest moments. Merriell decided to come back when Eugene had returned to a normal-ish life. Eugene was conflicted; he loved Merriell, but he didn’t. Merriell didn’t explain why he left him. Eugene tried to piece it together, but it was something he didn’t want to figure out. Eugene didn’t know how much longer he could take off the burning feeling that lingered in the car. He simply repressed it and looked forward, a small tear streaming from his eyes. He didn’t bother to wipe, zoning out onto the road ahead of him. 

Merriell sat there with a shattered heart. He turned around to the window in defeat, leaning against the window as he looked at the palm trees. A tear streamed down his cheek as well. Eugene didn’t even say it, but Merriell knew he was too late. Merriell had fucked up. 

\-------

Passing by the bright green St.Augustine sign, it officially marked the final leg of the journey. It was barely four o’clock, and the sky was red and cloudless. Eugene kept his eyes on the road and refused to look at Merriell. There was a dead silence in the car, the only noise being the radio playing I’ll be home for Christmas, which was playing at such an awkward moment. Guilt tore at his heart; it was all he could think about. He wanted to love Eugene, but he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t go through the hurt all again. His family had alluded that Merriell would be his relapse. Eugene hated their words and ignored him, but maybe, just maybe, they were right. Merriell also refused to look his way, shifting his whole body against the car window as he went through a pack of cigarettes. 

Turning off the highway, the GPS system had led the car on a backroad by the blue sea. Eugene recalled driving down this road as a child. Instead of dead silence, it would be full of laughter and sun. Sid would be showing him his Tamagotchi, His parents would be going on about fishing, and Edward would be blasting his MP3. A smile crooked at his lips. Vero Beach was a place full of good memories, but now it was full of heartbreak and confusion. 

Eugene’s phone kept binging with messages. He turned back to see his phone in the water bottle pocket, buzzing on and on. It was most likely his mother, checking in on him or sending photos of his father with his godawful sunhat. Eugene looked over at Merriell, who was still curled by the window. He didn’t even see his face, a hand waving a burning cigarette. Biting his lip, Eugene quietly sighed and broke the silence. 

“Mer, can you get my phone, please? It’s my mom. I’d promise her I’d check-in.” Eugene requested. He felt his body tense when Merriell didn’t initially respond. He grunted in response and turned around to grab his phone. The auburn-haired man caught a glimpse of his face. His big eyes were pink with dry tear stains on his cheeks. Upon seeing his, Eugene’s grip on the wheel tighten as he bite his lip.

Merriell pulled the phone out to get a glance at the texts. He wiped his eyes to see a load of notifications from Sid sending him tik toks. His mother asked him about Merriell and Ashton. It wasn’t his place, but Merriell opened the text. The face was too familiar. He gritted his teeth and scrunched the phone. Ashton was in most photos on Eugene’s Instagram; mountain biking, fishing, classes, parties, anything. A memory that Merriell tried to repress flooded back into his brain of Ashton and Eugene at a bar, smiles as Ashton wrapped a hand around his shoulder. Ashton had not only texted, but snapped him a shirtless photo of him at some fancy resort. The texts were even worse, 

“Genieee, whatcha doin? Check snap?” 

“Pick up your phone sleepyhead! Where ru?” 

Merriell noticed an earlier text from a month ago in which his heart dropped. 

“Come with me 2 Mexico 4 Christmas. I have plane tickets, just u and me n the beach :)))”

A flood of anger ran through Merriell's veins. His grasp tightened around the phone as he wanted to break it. Had Eugene been seeing someone else? In all the photos with Ashton, Eugene still wore the ring on his finger. Seeing the texts only made Merriell even more pissed off. He moved his upper body back to the front and threw the phone in the cupholders before crossing his arms and sulking into the seat. Eugene noticed Merriell’s odd behavior and briefly looked down at the phone, knowing what he had seen. 

“Merriell, let me explain…”

Merriell rolled his eyes with a fake angry smile on his face. He looked sullen and on the brink of losing it. “Just you, me, and ‘da beach. Check snap! Pick up your phone sleepyhead! Nobody gets to call you Genie, only I do.” 

“He’s a friend from university. He’s in my class, and we go biking together. It’s nothing more than that.” Eugene reassured as his voice shook. Ashton was there for him when Merriell wasn’t. Ashton wanted more of their relationship, but Eugene couldn’t take that step. 

“ ‘Dat’s ‘za buncha shit. You guys do everythin’ together.” Merriell barked back, “Bikin, campin’, eatin’, studying, heck! Probably sleepin' together too’!”

Eugene slowed the car down and turned his head over, shaking his head. “What is wrong with you? You went through my texts and Instagram? Just because I talk to a guy doesn’t mean I’m cheating on you, my god!” Eugene defended as Merriell tried to shrug him off, “You’re so damn possessive.” 

“Possesvie? Possessive?” Merriell repeated the words. With every word, he became louder and more vexation. He got close to Eugene, trying to drive the car; cigarette smoke and oak filling his nose. 

“Possessive of ‘ma fiance? ‘Ma husband. Mine. I gave you ‘dat ring so I could let the whole world that you were mine. You're still wearin’ it, and I’m still wearin’ mine,” Merriell ranted as he leaned in close to Eugene. He wasn’t even thinking of his words; it just flowed out of his mouth like a burning word vomit that had been bundled up for too long. 

Eugene looked over with furrowed brows and a red face suppressed with rage. “Fiance? Oh my god, you can’t even admit it! Do you not remember the night you left me on the train?”

Merriell held his finger up to scold him but froze. His lips were agape as he softened his eyebrows—the train.

“ No words, no calls, nothing for a whole year. I tried to find you, contact you, but you pushed me away. Those first months when I was home was hell. I was heartbroken and torn by the war. Nobody understood how I felt. When I needed you...you were gone.” Eugene cursed, tears stinging his eyes, “I was so worried about you. I thought you didn’t love me anymore. You know what I tried to do? Move on. I picked my shit up and moved on. I went to school, worked out, met new people. I moved on from you, Merriell. You clearly haven’t.”

The Cajun was already heartbroken, but Eugene’s cold words made his blood boil even more. He wanted to burst into tears, but he held it back in. He knew Eugene was right, but he couldn’t handle being wrong. “Fuckin ouch, Cherie. You can bite when you want.” He hissed back, a smirk on his face. He was trying to hide his sadness, but it was becoming harder to put on a facade. “Why do ‘ya still wear ‘dat ring ‘den around Ashton? You could’ve gone to Mexico with him.”

Eugene was shak shaking. He turned to look at Merriell, who was only trying to push his buttons. Eugene just stared at him with his face getting even redder, clenching his jaw. 

“Don’t go actin’ like your a victim! My god, you’re acting like a child!’ Eugene exploded. Merriell tried to chime in, but Eugene refused to let him interrupt. “You left me that night on the train. I promised myself to you in Peleuli, we had a whole life planned for when we came home. I loved you Merriell, why didn’t you say goodbye? You know what? It was for the better. I can’t believe I would give it up for a manchild. I don’t know why I even feel bad for you. The reason I wanted to see you is that I really wanted to fix things between us. But after seein’ this side of you, I can’t see myself bein’ married to you.” 

A quiet tension filled the car. Merriell simply stared at him with a blank expression. His eyes were widened as his fists clutched. He got out of Eugene’s face and slumped back into his seat, letting off a soft chuckle.

“You’re the one who cheated on me. Don’t wanna be ‘round a cheater.” The Cajun huffed. 

“I. Did. NOT. Cheat.” Eugene snapped, raising his voice. “I didn’t do a damn thing with him because of you. I was still in love with you…” Tears began to stream down Eugene’s cheeks. He sniffled at wiped them with his flannel. Merriell noticed and turned around, his face softening. He had just realized the words he had just said and regretted it. 

“Eugene, wait I-”

“No, fuck you.” Eugene roared, “You treat me like this a year after leaving me all alone, and you expect me to love you? How could someone love you?” 

Eugene’s driving had become reckless. Thankfully they were on an empty, forested road with a beach on the side of them. He swerved the car to the side and opened the car door, storming away in tears. Merriell took his seatbelt off and opened the door but froze. Everything he had said, done, and did was hurting not only Eugene but himself. Kicking the front of the car in frustration, Merriell ran his hands over his face. Everything he touched died; relationships, people, anything. He sat there with his face in his hands, thinking it all over. Seeing the tomato red Eugene with hot tears running down his face. Merriell wanted to stand up and find Eugene. Still, he knew Eugene needed to be alone, whether it be temporary or forever.

\-------

So this was going to his memory of Christmas?

Eugene sat with his arms wrapped around his bare feet, overlooking the dark waves crashing onto the shore. The sun was setting right into the ocean. His eyes focused on the sun with the waves crashing in front of him. He recognized this beach. He and Sid had walked from Vero, which was only an hour away. He remembers Sid grabbing a crab an empty beer can take that day. He let out a small chuckle at the excellent memory. But Vero would no longer be a good memory for him or Christmas. Eugene had made it so far, and he refused to talk to Merriell. He called him a cheater and claimed him like an object. Merriell had no leg to stand on, leaving him for a whole year with no word. His family and friends were right; Merriell was Eugene’s relapse. He was a drug Eugene had been addicted to. Although the withdrawal was painful, Eugene attempted to move on. He tried to meet other people, but none were like Merriell. None had his southern drawl, his coarse soft curls, snarky remarks, none. The point of this trip was to reconnect and relight the beautiful spark they once had. But all it ended with was broken hearts and cold water being thrown the flame. Eugene knew it was over. He just wanted to go home. 

In the corner of his eyes, Merriel could see his pair of pristine white sneakers (which were covered in mud) being thrown lazily onto the sand. A small grunt came from his mouth as Merriell plopped himself beside Eugene. Eugene refused to look over, instead of turning to look behind him to see Merriell’s footprints. He sighed and turned back to the ocean, trying to block out Merriell. 

Merriell turned over to look at Eugene, his fiery hair blowing in the wind. Merriell threw his hands back as he relaxed, looking out onto the ocean. 

“ ‘dis is nice, innit?” Merriell acknowledged as he turned his head once again to gain Merriell’s attention. There was still nothing; Eugene had a blank face. His grasp tightened on his flannel-clad arm at Merriell’s voice. 

“Why’d you do it?” Eugene mindlessly mumbled. Merriell quirked an eyebrow and leaned back to look at the auburn-haired boy. “ You didn’t even say goodbye to me. I just want some closure.” 

The Cajun sighed, biting his lip. How would Eugene respond? One word, and he could have Eugene crying all over again. Seeing Eugene cry absolutely destroyed Merriell. But they had come so far at this point, there was no point in sugarcoating anything. 

“Look at us, Cher. You’re part of the lucky, I’m...not. I wanna marry you, I love you more than anythin’, I just didn’t...know if you wanted to live with me. I had nothin’ back home. I didn’t know if I was going to get us a house and provide for us. I wanted to take care of you more than anythin’ in the world...but I,” Merriell froze for a second to see Eugene, turning over to follow his body. Licking his chapped lips, he continued on, “couldn’t force you to live like me. I’m fucked up, before and after everythin’. You gotta’ family ‘dat can help you and love you. I’m sure your parents wouldn’t want you to be with someone who couldn’t take care of their son. 

“So, I guess ‘dat’s why I left. I was scared you wouldn’t be happy. I wanted to wake you up...I don’t know why I did. Lookin’ back, it was the biggest mistake I’d ever made.” Merriell explained as he turned to look into Eugene’s hazel eyes. He was struggling to say the two words but eventually spit it out, “I’m sorry. Thought we could fix things, even if they are unrepairable. I jus’ wanted to see you one las’ time. Your not a cheater, I left you, and you were confused. If you’re happy with ‘dat guy Ashton, then go be with 'im. You don’t have to wear ‘da ring if you don’t want to, gene.”

Instead of words, Eugene crawled towards Merriell, grabbed his jacket's collars, and smashed his lips into his. Taken aback, Merriell fell back into the sand. However, he did not protest against the kiss and eased into it, his hands landing on Eugene’s waist. Merriell could hear Eugene’s heartbeat race as he fed into the unutterable visions to his perishable breath. It started out steamy as Eugene fulfilled a hunger he had for over a year. Eugene wasn’t complaining at the kiss as he happily sucked on Eugene’s pretty pink lips that blossomed like a flower in the spring. 

Eugene slowly pulled back from the kiss to take a breath, panting with a rosy face. He and Merriell sat on the sand, bodies entangled as they watched the sunset into the background. It felt like a dream or the setting of a cheesy romantic film. Eugene didn’t know what drove him to kiss Merriell. He knew it was bad, but it felt so good to taste the burburan and nicotine on the Cajun’s plump lips. 

“I...don’t want Ashton. I want you.” Eugene confessed as he looked down, unable to look at Merriell. He was immature and tried to push away Merriell’s apology. But Merriell was a drug that he couldn’t stop taking. No man or woman could ever take the place of the Cajun that broke his heart. “Merriell, you know me. I don’t care what you come from or how much money you had. I don’t care if we had a big southern belle wedding or a courthouse wedding. Hell, I don’t even care about rings. I didn’t know what I wanted to do after the war, but the one thing I knew is you. I wanted to marry you and get a house, a dog, whatever. Even if it took years to get it….Merriell, I love you. I tried to move on, but god damn you...just put a spell on me. I came on this trip because I wanted to see you and fix this relationship. We’re here; let’s fix this. We’ll get through this together.”

He grabbed Merriell’s hands and held them close to his chest. Merriell’s cheeks grew as he squeezed Eugene’s boney hands. “Just stay with me, please. Promise?”

Looking up at Eugene’s tomato red face and his hands on his chest, Merriell looked up and slowly nodded. 

“I promise.” Merriell repeatedly nodded, smiling like a child on Christmas. “Cher, I promise, I promise, I promise. I’ll go wherever you wanna go.” Merriell wrapped his arms around Eugene and brought him into another kiss. Eugene laughed and kissed him back, his hands traveling up his nape to grasp onto his soft chocolate curls. The two of them fell into the sand. After so much hurt, they were finally figuring it out. It wouldn’t be a staircase of glass; it would be full of thorns and broken class. But as long as Merriell had Eugene on his side, he was content. 

\-------

After a long eight hours full of tears, silence, and stolen kisses, Eugene and Merriell finally arrived in Vero Beach. Both of them squirmed in the car like excited teenagers awaiting to do the deed at a prom. On the short hour drive, Merriell didn’t stop touching Eugene. It wasn’t crude, but he yearned for attention. Eugene tried to playfully push him off, but every time his hand brushed against his thigh or Merriell called him a french nickname, his face would turn beat red. Merriell ended up keeping his hand rested on Eugene’s thigh, squeezing it, and drawing mindless circles as they drove down the long forested road. 

Eugene’s summer house was an ivory magnolia mansion nestled with green palm trees, secluding it from all the other manors. They parked the car and threw their bags to the ground. It was a quiet Christmas Eve in Vero Beach. Eugene walked around the villa and reminisced about his old childhood, looking at his family and friends' photos around the house. Merriell, bored, followed along with his hands wrapped around Eugene’s waist. The two of them cuddled, chatted, laughed, cried, drank bottles of wine, and ate takeout. Besides that, Merriell didn’t remember the night that well. They stayed up until Midnight and watched the grandfather clock in the kitchen hit twelve o'clock. Eugene crawled over and wished him a merry Christmas before wrapping his arms around Merriell, falling asleep and drooling all over his shirt. 

Merriell thought it was adorable and carried him up to his parent’s bedroom since it had a large bed. He put Eugene down before walking onto the balcony to take a quick smoke. The house was so large and had thousands of rooms. They were the only guests there, so it didn’t matter. Even though he was exhausted, Merriell couldn’t sleep with his raging insomnia. Eugene was willing to stay with him, and for the first time in a year, he felt hopeful for their future. 

Merriell eventually crawled into bed with Eugene, turning on the TV to watch some obscure eighties Christmas films. Eugene snuggled his back into him as he drooled into the pillow. Merriell was teetering on the edge of sleep with his hand stroking Eugene’s auburn hair. As his eyes became heavy, he finally laid down and slung an arm around Eugene, entangling their feet together. Not in a million years would Merriell believe that he would be falling in love all over again. He felt like he already got his Christmas gift, which was snuggled into his arms. 

Planting a kiss on his forehead, Merriell fell asleep with no thoughts of war or pain; Just Eugene. 

\--------

Eugene woke up to the smell of coffee and the sound of French music coming from the living room. Fluttering his eyes open, Eugene groggily stretched his legs. He was out like a lamp last night and didn’t recall anything that happened. Flipping to the other side, he noticed Merriell’s lighter and pajamas scattered over the floor. Not seeing Merriell in bed, Eugene pouted. He enjoyed Merriell’s armora of Oak and the warmth of his body. 

He pushed himself out of bed and threw on a gray sweatshirt from his Squash team. Sweeping his hair to the side, he slung on his slides and began to walk down the stairs to find Merriell. It was hard to process that one minute they had gone from screaming in each other's faces to cuddling and crying in each other's arms. Both of them were lost souls in the world just trying to live with the effects of war. 

Eugene walked into the kitchen to see Merriell like a loosely buttoned flannel shirt. He turned over and smirked at Eugene, scaling his body. “Joyeux Noël’, cher.” 

“Good mornin,” Eugene smiled back. Merriell walked over and snaked an arm around his waist, pecking a big kiss on his thin lips. Merriell was sensual but soft as his tongue begged for entry. 

“Lord, Mer!” Eugene suffocated through the kiss, placing a hand on his chest. “It’s ten o’clock, too early for that.” 

Merriell pouted, still keeping his hand around Eugene’s waist. Eugene looked over at the Coffee Merriell had gotten from the cafe down the long road; he and Sid use to ride their bikes to get cokes and biscuits. Besides, the coffee was a miniature Balsam Fir with a golden angel topper. It had a small velvet box under it. 

Eugene suddenly realized that he had forgotten In Mobile, Merriell’s gift. “Aw shit!” He cursed under his breath, “Your gift. I left it on my nightstand. I’m so sorry, Mer. I’m such an idiot.” 

Merriell pouted at Eugene’s degrading remarks. He responded by planting a kiss on Eugene’s cheek. “Don’t worry, red. I got ‘ma gift right ‘ere.” 

Eugene playfully rolled his eyes at the joke, softly smacking his chest. “God, you still the same Merriell…” 

The Cajun chuckled and grabbed his hand, plopping him onto the couch as he got a coffee and put it into his hands. “You’re still the same redhead beauty I kicked outta’ ma’ bunk.” 

“Which was rude, by the way. Can’t believe I’m engaged to you.” 

Merriell went to the tree and grabbed the velvet box, walking over as he chuckled. He remembered the day that he first saw Eugene and fell for him. “Can’t believe you said yes and let me put a piece of scrap metal on your finger.” 

Taking a sip of his drink, Eugene looked at his ring finger and admired the jagged gold metal that was twisted at the end. “I like it. It’s the thought that counts more than anythin’.’ 

Eugene looked back at Merriell and nearly spit out his Coffee. Merriell was on one knee, holding the box, which revealed an engagement ring. It was a golden ring decorated in small diamonds with a big stone in the middle. It was simplistic and beautiful. Eugene dropped his coffee as he splashed onto the ground, throwing a hand over his mouth. He wasn’t dreaming; it was all real. 

Merriell grabbed his left hand and held it to reassure Eugene. Exhaling a sigh, he began to talk. “Eugene, I didn’t know ‘dat ‘dis was gonna happen. I thought you’d leave me, but you stayed with someone like me. Even though I left you, you stayed. I know I promised ‘dat I was gonna get you a real ring and well...Imma man ‘dat keeps to his word. I remember when I saw you ‘dat day. I hadn’t really loved anyone, ‘till you. ‘Dere was just somethin’ ‘bout you that made me even crazier ‘den I already am. I don’t know if it was your fiery hair or your kindness...I just knew I loved you. You saved me ‘dat day. I thought I died, and you were an angel, but I was alive. You knew I knew. You were the first person to make me feel human. I was crazy, but you made me feel a Lil’ less crazy…”

“Back then, Life was too short, and it still is. I know I’ve fucked up pretty bad; you can turn ‘dis down. I know you’re in school and all, but I couldn’t keep it in ‘no more. I fuckin’ love you more ‘den anythin' in the world, Eugene. I wanna grow old together, get a dog, make a few Snafu’s, and just rest. You’re ‘ma home.” He finished as he tilted his head down, expecting to be rejected. “I just wanted to let you know that I really do love you, ma Cherie.”

Eugene was taken aback by Merriell’s sudden proposal. He was shaking with burning cheeks, eyes pinching with tears. Not sad tears, but happy ones. 

“Merriell, holy shit…” He choked on his words. He nodded his head, chuckling. “Of course I wanna be with you. I wore this damn ring for a reason. I would’ve been fine with ‘dis one, but this...yes. I’ll marry you. I’ll be your home, sugar.” 

Merriell took his ring finger and slid the engagement ring onto his finger. It reflected well on his thin finger with the one he had been given before. Eugene thanked Merriell and admired the ring on his finger. Merriell stood there and smiled, in love with Eugene's intoxicating happiness. Eugene looked down and grabbed Merriell, pulling him into a hug and kiss. The two men fell onto the carpet, smiling and laughing at each other as All I Want For Christmas played from the smart-device Merriell had plugged in. 

“How did you get this?” Eugene asked as he snuggled into Merriell’s chest. 

Merriell looked at the ceiling, smiling. “Burgie. He helped me pick it out. Said I was crazy for doin’ it, but he hoped it worked out. We gotta’ facetime him.” 

“Yeah, you are crazy for doin’ it.” Eugene remarked, “But you're my crazy fiance.” 

Merriell blushed at Eugene’s nickname and gave him a small bunny kiss. Eugene responded by stroking his cheek, admiring his big beautiful eyes and golden skin. 

“I love you so much, Merriell.” Eugene cooed as he kept his hand on Merriell’s defined cheek. 

Merriell put his hand ontop of Eugene’s pale one, adoring his cuteness. “Je t'aime plus mon amour.” 

The Cajun and Auburn hair man laid in each other's arms as Christmas music played. Nothing mattered in the world at the moment. All of the pain and worry had disappeared as they held each other closely. Eugene nuzzled into Merriell’s arms as he toothily smiled at the ceiling. Merriell was lying with his fiance on Christmas morning, which was only something that would occur in his dreams. But this year, his ambitions had become a reality. All of Merriell's wishes had come true. After so much pain and loss, Eugene was finally his once again. 

**Author's Note:**

> a comment/kudos would be apperciated please ;)


End file.
